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O god, another blog. The reason I don’t keep a blog is that I don’t think anybody is waiting for another post about what someone does and how someone feels about it. To me, pushing useless information into the world (or worse, soulless products) is one of the biggest wastes in the world. But this is still a blog. Because I think it might help me, and maybe even someone who reads this.
A few days ago I changed the title of my blog from ‘visual communication’ to ‘being an artist’. It had something to do with a vague sense that the questions that keep following me, bug me and keep me, may just be the answer. Not contain the answer; are the answer. I have to explain myself:
My mind asks a lot of questions.
One of the most important questioners in my mind is fear. ‘What if..’ I hear often. And
Why am I on this earth? (really, I ask myself this question every day)
What if I’m not successful?
What if it doesn’t work?
What do they think of me?
Very often: ‘what if they don’t understand me?’
How can I make my life worthwhile?
How can I enjoy life in a sustainable way?
What is waste?
Isn’t there enough on the earth?
Do I have to add up to this?
Is this too personal?
Maybe it is the other way round, maybe fear doesn’t ask questions. Maybe I fear to answer these questions.
In this moment I decide to make the adventure of being an artist to create into my first project.
Step 1 to being an artist creation: Embrace my fears
I read that, to conquer your fears, you have to talk about it as much as possible. (In this case it will be writing. If you think it doesn’t count, you can call me). I don’t want to conquer the fear. I want to embrace it.
I warn you upfront. It’s not going to be pretty. If you like tough men, stop reading. Even more, I will ask you to leave me alone. Unfriend me on Facebook. Send me a message “I like tough men”, so I will know that I don’t have to count on you when tears run down my cheeks.
I don’t try to act pitiful. On the contrary, I fear that you think I’m pitiful. Because pitiful is not strong. And that is what I want to be. Strong, successful and proud of myself.
I think it might be easier to show myself, and with that easier to show the things I make.
By writing down these thoughts I feel the fear less. I am asking myself if it is the fear that is holding me back. What I am really afraid of is showing fear. To show someone, or worse, to say to someone: “I fear I can’t do it”. And that’s how they continue. There seem to be an easy solution: “don’t be afraid, then you don’t have to show it”. But it is too much of quantum mechanics for that. It is there and not there in the same time. It is untouchable. Indeed, it’s not here at all, and the next day it’s huge. And you know what is the worst? That I’m afraid to become afraid. What if (…) I dare something today, but tomorrow no more? It creeps up on you, slowly and out of sight. And then it jumps your neck.
I tried to hide behind a lot. Work hard, drink beer, achieve in sport, lose myself in love, become rich. To consume life, without gratification.
I neatly put out alternative goals, which I achieved, but they didn’t get me where I wanted to be. I tried to let them talk me into many medical or mental explanations. But over and over I decline to give in.
“The longer the fear exists, how harder it gets to get rid of it” the internet tells me. Well, I’ll tell the internet that I carry this for years already, but I’m not planning to continue.
Apparently there is something in my soul which is stronger. That finds a little crack, over and over. That thinks “while I’m here, I better make something out of it”.
If I help others, by motivating them (I am, as an expert on the matter, rather good in motivating others) I describe the urge as a small plant that grows out of the earth. It grows slowly, graceful, but strong. It’s pressing stones away, and out of the ground, searching for sunlight to continue growing. Did my fear grow like that too?
And if that little sprout grows out of my head, do I have to walk to a place where the sun shines? Or is it not that physical?
“Why on earth an artist?” could be one of your questions. Because that is what I wanted to become back in the days, but didn’t, because it would be hard to earn money with that.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be an artist with a funny mustache (while I would gladly be the Dali of my age), but a sensualist, who creates, authentic to himself. It can be a storyteller too. Or an initiator of beautiful things. Someone who lives from his crazy ideas.
Oh. I fear to be “professional” in many jobs, to do what they expect of you. To leave your feelings at home. I rather surprise with something unexpected. I want to put my feelings in, carry them, show them. Because I have so many of them, which I have hidden until now.
And honestly, I don’t want to know I am afraid for your thoughts judgments.
Now, at the end of this message, the hardest part is to publish it, into the world. Because it’s the moment that fear talks.
“You are a pussy”, “You won’t make it”, “If you can’t by now, you never will”.
Let’s hope the sharing of fear really helps, and will bring me to the next step.
Step 2. To practice
(expected next week)
Inspiration:
The article on and interview with Elle Luna.
The book seems an amazing advice to every (aspiring) creative to be in this world.
This story from Matthew Trinetti tells my story, in other words.